The girl with kaleidoscope eyes..

anyway, my new blog is at http://ciaring-dos.blogspot.com, just in case. :D

and He answered.

not a lot of women have gone through what i went through and lived to tell the story. that's why i think its just right for me to immortalize this experience, even if its just for my blog. it's a bit TMI, so its really up to you if you want to read on. i just want to make sure i have this written somewhere before the details become blurry...

so where do we begin?

oct 15, 2009

i was feeling wierd the day before, and being the paranoid that i am, i decided to move my saturday OB checkup to an earlier day, just to be sure. i was rooting for an Oct17 delivery since 17 was my favorite number. So i went in, my doctor said its still too early (im just 1cm dilated) but she gave me some signs to watch out for and told me that if they happen, we should go directly to the hospital and they will be the one to contact her in case i get admitted. so we went home, me, being more observant of my body and being extra kulit on everyone. hehe!

oct 19, 2009, 12midnight

was having contractions since around 9 the night before (oct 18th) and the contractions progressed to 5min intervals by midnight. as advised by my OB, me, my husband and my parents drove to the hospital for the first time. when we got there, i was already contracting every 4mins so they decided to admit me.

a few hours in, they checked my vitals, put me on IV, took my blood, and my contractions progressed to every 2-3mins interval, although i thought it wasn't that painful, at least not as painful as i expected it to be from all the horror stories that i heard about giving birth. but yeah,, they had that thing monitoring me and it showed i was having contraction so who am i to complain at least i can handle the pain, right?

before long it started to got really uncomfortable. my nurse kept asking me if i wanted an epidural already, since my contractions were close to each other, i tried to push back the event but i eventually gave in at 6am, trembling.

a bee sting, yeah, that was how they described how it would be. but after going through it, i just had to make fun of it, to make it seem bearable. let me tell you, it was hell. at least for me. f*ckin bee! the anesthesiologist had to put a lot more numbing meds for me, which, thankfully NEVER worked. but in it went. so i had the works, even a catheter, for crying out loud.

what we didn't  expect was the moment i was under the epi, my contractions slowed down and decreased in intensity. now that's odd. and the thing was, my cervix never really dilated more than 1.5 that day, that sonafab*tch.

i was so ready! (well after the epi, i was pretty sure i can do it, that was what i was most afraid of.) 

so yeah, we got sent home that evening too. much to my dismay. i can't believe i'll need to go through all that again when its time for real labor! waaaaaaaah!!

Oct 21, 2009 530am

woke up for my 2nd wiwi session. was feeling some cramps though so it was hard for me to go back to sleep. i decided to time my cramps. 5-7mins apart. hmmmmm...

a few mins before 6, i felt some liquid leaking, woke up paulo, but we both decided it might be nothing. although kinutuban na ko coz my bladder is supposed to be empty.

a little after 6, still can't go back to sleep. my cramps were getting stronger. i went back to the bathroom to get some tissue,, shempre ang morning sickness ko, hanggang dito dinala ko. was about to blow my nose when, JEJENG...BUMAHA???

i heard my bro in law, jacob, waking up so i called him to wake his manong, i think my water just broke. paulo rushed to the bathroom to find me all wet and not moving an inch. being his first time on this too, we wanted to be sure so i told him to wake my mom, and she confirmed it. we all then got up and got ready to go to the hospital, my mom, more tense than i was, looked like she was the one to give birth, while me and paulo we're still joking in between my now more intense contractions. we we're expecting the morning rush hour traffic since we got to the freeway a little after 7 already. pano nga ba kung sa freeway ako manganak, ang pangalan ba dapat nila ay H1 at H2? hehehe!

we got to the hospital just fine though, got admitted right away. my cramps were getting closer and stronger. this was not how it was the last time... so i guess this was really it. i tried to stay calm though, breathing through every contraction. was relieved to find out too that my twins were still both head down and it was baby A's water bag that broke. right on schedule.

what i didn't know was that was the last time that my "planned" birthing will go, well, as "planned".

when i got to my room, my cramps were really really bad, so i asked to get an epidural right away. the hell with jollibee, i need him! it started out ok. i had the same guy that gave me the epi 2 days ago so he knows already how i am. he did warn me about headaches due to having epi's 2x and at close instances. i said i'd take the headache, anytime.

when he was through, i felt the heavenly numbing from my feet up to my waist. yey, finally, im free from pain. but for some reason, this epi seemed stronger than the last. i found myself almost hanging on to the nurse just so i can stay upright and it felt like my whole lower body was suddenly inflated with air and that i was floating. i had no control whatsoever! although they say epi's sometimes have different effect on people's legs, i found it a little bit more extreme. but due to the painless contractions, i decided to ignore it.

wrong move.

the moment i laid back in my bed, i felt the effect of the epi rush up my body, and slowly, it was getting harder and harder to breathe. i was gasping for air. it felt like i was drowning and i can't stop getting swallowed by the water. i had no control whatsoever of my entire body. the doctor said it might be because the epi was relaxing all my muscles and he also said he gave me a bit more coz when he was putting it in i was still feeling pain when i wasnt supposed to. but to be sure, he called 2 other nurses (i forgot what kind they were) at first it just looked like i was just having a hard time breathing so they gave me oxygen. (i first thought maybe this is me in panic. the last time i was shaking so hard the bed moved with me)

but moments later, i literally can't take any air in. i was getting weaker and weaker, i can't even speak anymore. i was desperately trying to suck in air, but nothing seems to come in. that was when they called all those nurses. during these moments, my "bantays" were outside coz they weren't allowed inside the room while they were giving me the epidural. i can't remember much of what happened next coz i felt my mind getting all woozy from the lack of oxygen. i can only see and hear someone if he/she was right in front of me. i remember my anesthesiologist saying, "keep breathing for us ok? stay with us..." and i honestly thought, Lord, kukunin nyo na ba ko?? parusa ko ba to for making fun of jollibee??

im not really sure whether i passed out, i probably did. i just remember being really weak and hearing people talking but they all seem to be so far away...it was like  going in and out of a ream sequence, i had no sense of time.

when i came to, paulo had to tell me what happened, but his story was still missing some parts since he wasn't in the room with me the whole time.

he said, while waiting outside, they heard an alarm go off and suddenly all the nurses were running around. he then heard room305 but wasn't sure if he heard it correctly. then another nurse asked for the room again, and yes, it was my room. he said there was probably 10 or so nurses running around. i don't think they were allowed inside until i was pretty stable, stable being breathing again, although still pretty heavy. he was only able to talk to me when the room was cleared and i slowly gained feeling of my fingers, well it was more of him doing the talking, me squeezing his hand to respond. i think i dozed again after that. or at least i tried, i felt drugged.

took a few hours before the epi was totally out of my system. apparently they opted not to put me under epi bec. of what happened. since it was my second time to take it, the meds leaked out the other punctures, or something like that. that's why instead of just staying waist down, it moved up. so yes, i was going natural with help of some pain meds which last for only 45mins to 1hr.

was i scared? hell yeah. but i can't back out now!

when the epi wore off, i asked for the IV pain meds. uhmmm.. not much help there. so it means im pretty much going to feel everything full on. WAAAAAH! my cervix was still a little stubborn, it was mid afternoon already, i have been through hours of labor, but it only opened to i think 4cm. so they put me on oxytocin to speed up the process. this means, more contractions, and stronger at that.

what i did notice was, the moment they put the oxytocin, i felt it right away, whereas the pain meds, i can barely feel it. it would've been fine if the pain meds at least canceled out the effect of the oxytocin, eh parang unfair naman ata,, more ang pain. by late afternoon i was hysterical with pain. i was literally begging my doctor to put me to sleep and go CS, but she said she can't just do it. i tried focusing on my breathing, the contractions were really very near each other by this time, i was trying my best not to scream but i just can't. at least i was able to limit the profanity hehehe

i think it was after 6pm when my doctor arrived, i thought she was going to pull them out right there, but apparently she just emptied my bladder coz its causing me more pain (actually kala ko iba yun lumabas nahiya ako kasi parang TV lang na andun silang lahat pinapanood ako hahaha! pero wiwi lang pala)

a couple of mins after that they transferred me to the OR. as a precaution, even with normal delivery, twins are delivered in the OR incase the 2nd baby needs to be delivered CS. 

so how can i describe the delivery itself? well, i still think that labor contractions were more painful. i can barely feel my contractions while delivering. well, that might also be because i was so busy concentrating on pushing. let me just say that i've never EVER in my life worked as hard as i did in that room. 

it took probably about 5-7 contractions before the first baby, sean, came out. it drained the hell out of me that i was very skeptic that i'll have enough power to push the second one. (i dont know if they got it in video but i really said "di na ata kaya ng powers ko" or something like that. hehe) but i had no time to even think because the moment he came out, here comes sharlene, so i gave it all the i can, 8 mins later, she was out. hers was shorter i think. 

i was with my mom the whole time, she wanted to be the one in the OR with me, stage mom na stage mom. the nurses even remembers her afterwards. hahahaha! i think i was holding on to her too tight that she had nail marks afterwards. owell, you wanted it. i didn't say it didnt come with certain consequences.

right after sharlene was delieved, paulo came in. the funny thing was, i felt more relieved than sore after. it was like nothing happened. well except that my body felt lighter and heavier at the same time. but the pain? not that much really. i was actually surprised that the most that i did while they were stitching me was twitch. i thought id kick my doctor dead, but no. even when they transfered me back to the room. wala lang, andaldal ko na ren e. hahaha!

the babies were transfered straight to the nursery where paulo followed to make sure everything's fine. he came back and told us that sharlene was ok but sean's chest was moving up and down too hard when he breathe that the nurses wanted to keep an eye on him for a while longer. 

sharlene came to the room first maybe an hour or so after. but it wasn't that long till sean joined us. he got better so we were all so relieved. he was smaller than his sister, which was surprising coz during my U/S he looked bigger. 

he had his own share of ordeals too. while sharlene passed with flying colors on her tests, he had, as i mentioned, the breathing problem, then when they checked his hearing, they found out that he might still have fluid in his ear (which cleared up the next day, thank GOD), and of course, his first "operation"... having his putoytoy snipped. but he was a fighter. so good job son, you made mama proud :)

all in all, it was a good experience, something i can talk to my kids about when they are older. would i go through it again, im scared to even think about that now. but im just happy that everything went well. and i hope it continues to get better. im sooo in love with my family and i can only thank God for all the blessings that He has given us. although i had to say

talagang kailangan nyo ko pagdaanin sa lahat ng yun no? don't get me wrong, PPG, im not complaining. im actually glad you did. makes everything more wonderful. siguro nga parang wala sa personalidad ko if everything went well. kailangan bumobonnga ang experience. salamat lord. :D

Note: alam ko napansin nyong walang picture, sadya yan. bawal magpicture during labor, sabi ko. may ilang video footage, pero pagiisipan ko pa kung ipopost ko. harhar!  kailangan ko lang talaga isulat ang aking karanasan... waw, parang xerex lang, ang laswa. hahahaha! 

counting the first few weeks was nerve wrecking for me. every little pain, i felt like something was wrong. since you have high chances of getting a miscarriage during the first trimester, and that it took me longer to get an ultrasound, i was always afraid that i might be having an ectopic pregnancy too. i know, i worry about everything.

as requested, heto ang silip sa ichura ko ngayon, in fairness, feeling ko di pa naman ako balyena, ashuly, i was losing weight, altho di ko alam this month, di pa ko nag weigh in, but i think i gained or at least na maintain ko yung prev weight ko dahil nag even out lang yung nawala sa binti ko sa dinagdag sa tyan ko.

i was going to wait another week, but then if you're also my friend in facebook then you'll see that my cousin blew my cover for me. hehe! so before that comment cause any more reactions and questions, i decided to go out in the open once and for all.

how do you deal with it, when something that's completely out of your control forces you to become that person you've worked your whole life for never to become?

anyway, here's the link to the visual peg i was telling you about. 

ok, so, being a visual person, it's easier for me to show you what i like rather than put it in writing.

with that, here's my take with the look and feel. note, my take, soooo there's alot more room for improvement/adjustment, i still need to see how it all mix together. again, this might still change, but from how i see it, it looks good. and i believe he too would go with such a crazy color palette. his truck is friggin bright yellow, anyway.

reminds you of sunsets right? hmmmm.. just how i like it.

Jilla's gonna design my gown and my entourage! YEEEEEY!

i've always loved her designs, it has that edge that i need, coz you know, im not really the traditional maria clara (oh god, no)

well, at least something's progressing.

although this got me sad, apparently, they don't hold weddings at caleruega anymore. waaaaaaaah! but it's such a nice place. :( paaak.

does anyone know a nice church, as of today, here are my options... (ok, im still putting caleruega here, just in case, by my flawless charm, they'd allow one last ceremony... )

Manila Cathedral, San Agustin Church (Intramuros), Caleruega Church (batangas)

ok, i must admit im kinda hesitant about the manila cathedral. idk,, it was just suggested, pero parang pang status lang yun e, i's choose character over status anytime.

hmmmmm.... i need more options. grrrrr

i might be updating this blog more often. sorry i know i have a lot of blogs already but i think this one deserves a separate one. you'll know what i mean when you click here

Unlike most little girls, i never really got to that part of growing up wherein you plan your wedding as early as you can spell marriage. i guess i never thought it should be on top of my priority list. that's just how i always was, i never really have given any thought about getting married other than it will be in the far future. Maybe that's why most of the people who knows me thinks that i'm not the marrying kind. or at least i'd be the last single standing.

fast forward to today, i'm married for 2 months but will still need to have a church wedding (like the civil wedding was invalid, but you know, the culture, it's just not the same without a church wedding) i am sort of blaming my young self for not thinking about this before and leaving all the planning to my now adult self. Now, unlike most women who already had a head start with this thing, i'm starting from scratch. add that to the fact that we're targeting an earlier date, like a few months from now. and that the wedding will be held at a different continent. and that everyone is looking forward to it (ok, this part might be a little bit my fault.. hehe!)

sure, we had the civil wedding 2months before, but planning for that and this is different. there's alot to take care of, alot of booking, planning, choosing, deciding... and although i had my share of experience in planning and implementing events, i guess nothing can really get you ready for something as big as your own wedding.

so in order to keep myself sane, (and something for me to look back on in case i need to know if i've already done this or that) i'm keeping a wedding blog for maybe one of the craziest wedding mankind will ever witness.

here's to the start of my crazy wedding.